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8/29/12 ?? DPO, CD29, emotion dump

And I really am. AF like cramps started up this morning. and are going on as i type this. 2 years and no bfp. nothing but evaps and cheap tests that are faulty. DH and i have pretty much stopped trying and are on the ntnp plan again. took a test way to early but i could swear i saw some shadow line but Im not having ANY symptoms that are out of the norm so i tossed it out. 2 days later while taking out the trash there was that stupid test with that ugly shadow line. it almost looks pink lol. i hate this!

why cant i just convince my self i will never get pregnant? why is it that every month i get a bad case of the "what if"s? I see that silly line and start to wonder, but everything is telling me it is just another evap and im going to waste my money on another test.

all of my friends have gotten pregnant right now... my sister inlaw is about ready to have her 2nd baby and she is already planning on the 3rd and 4th baby. i almost hate her for that.

why is it that when im with a really bad guy i had no issues getting pregnant but the bastard made me end it...and when i find the most awesome man, marry him and try for a family nothing comes of it?! is this punishment?! it is not like i wanted this to happen... like i asked him to do that to me... force something like that on me... i live with that every day, for the past 8 years i have lived with that guilt! that man was a monster!

Im sorry, i just wish i could get out of this slump but 2 years is a long time to have nothing come of all this. I know other have gone longer and there pain must be horrible. i feel for them.

Jessica