Community post

I had planned on making this just a quick journal entry but, like always, I check in on the latest entries from everyone, praying for their BFPs. Tanya's entry just 10 hours ago caught me. I've been so strong today but I've finally allowed myself to cry. Just 3 hours after Tanya's entry, I had an appt with my Dr to check on little bean. As you all might remember from my entry last week, Jellybean was measuring 6w 3d and they hadn't found a heartbeat. You ladies helped lift my spirits and give me hope and I thank you all so very much for that. Today... Jellybean measured that same. And still no heartbeat. The Dr declared it a missed miscarriage. I had read about them and maybe, being nieve, I hadn't thought it could happen to me. Maybe I had this preconceived notion that it was only in those cases where women thought it was just AF because they didn't know they were pregnant yet. But I guess I learned the truth. And I learned just how painful it can be. Every BFN I had before is nothing compared to this. My heart goes out to all of you ladies who have been through this before. I can't imagine the strength you must have to want to keep TTC.
I keep telling myself that it's for the best. That most MMC happen because of a genetic problem and it's not my fault. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky it was still this early. Before feeling the kicks. Before finding out the sex.... Before having told my 8 year old step-daughter. Something I had planned to do in just 9 days when we went down to visit her and my in-laws like we do every month.
But the worst part of it all... The part that's really getting to me the most... Is that damn dream. Another entry I posted just 2 weeks ago. Losing the baby at 6 weeks.... (I was 6w 2d that day...) I thought that making it past my 6 weeks mark would make me feel better. That it was all just a bad dream and a normal paranoia. Like any expecting mother has. Lord knows I was terrified for the longest time of my DS being born premature. But... I guess this time it wasn't fear. It was something else. Something inside me knew and was trying to prepare me for this...
Not even close to prepared... I thought I had made it past 6 weeks. And in a way I did. Little bean is still with me.... It's just... Jellybean didn't make it past....